Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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