When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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