I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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