i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
