I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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