I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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