He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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