I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
