the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
