You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
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I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
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Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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