so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
