8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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