DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
