I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
