Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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