My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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