im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
