I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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