what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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