I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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