I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
