I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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