So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
