Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
