Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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