and i looked up. we had an audience...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
