tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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