I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I FOUND THE LEGS
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
