Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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