if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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