if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
