Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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