im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."