So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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