I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
