I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
