Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
