we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
