My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
