its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
