dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
