Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
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You. Win. At. Life.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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