Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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