I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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