Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
