Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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