I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
