I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We had to coat check the pizza.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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