I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
