Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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