captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
