He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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