i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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