got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
