So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
