Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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